#38: boy sober (pt.ii)

are you really ugly or have you just internalized negative perceptions of yourself?!

 

A WOMAN’S WORLD.

boy sober part ii.

       Recently, a lot of unrelated people, ranging from friends and family, have asked me eagerly (with a conspiratorial gleam in their eyes), if I had a boyfriend, or if I at least had someone I was talking to. Their dismay at my negative response has left me incredulous and stunned. While it was incredibly flattering to see that people assumed I curried romantic attention, my first impulse was to wonder why they would assume that in the first place. “Why would you think that a girl like me would have a boyfriend”, I would say laughingly. And that was how I went about responding to questions of the sort, until my Uncle called me out on it.

Picture this. We are at the table for a late Sunday lunch. There is a heaping bowl of roast pork we had ordered the evening before, just hot from the oven. I have helped my Auntie make the salad. My cousin has said grace. The table is alight with chatter from different corners. I keep glancing down at my phone because I am a chronically-online maniac. My Uncle jokes that I am chatting with my “boyfriend”. We all laugh and I slip into my usual response: “Why would you think that a girl like me would have a boyfriend?” or something of the sort. My Uncle glances up at me, his gaze suddenly arresting and very serious. I squirm uncomfortably; it is like he was staring right into my soul, as if he could see the root of the statement I have just uttered in jest. He says “Why not?” I stutter. For once, I have no witty reply. Then he puts his fork down very gravely (seriously, the man is incredibly dramatic), and says “ I think you genuinely believe that no one likes you. And I think you believe that because you believe you are not worth liking.” I sit there, mouth open like a stunned fish. Well! I think wildly. That is a read. How has he managed a glimpse into the inner crevices of my heart? The moment passes and chatter resumes, but I cannot shake his question off my mind.

My Uncle, to my chagrin, did not leave the conversation at the table. After lunch that day, he calls me to sit by him and gives me a firm talking to, the likes of which I have never experienced in my life.  I am taken aback by how seriously he takes the issue. Interestingly, it isn’t  about boys. It is about me. After much pleading, he manages to wrangle a confession out of me. Calmly, he listens as I pathetically lay out my insecurities. Then he turns to me and asks, “ are you really ugly or have you internalized negative perceptions of yourself?” Seeing that I have no answer, he tells me to think about it.

accounting for beauty.

As we grow, we piece together our identity and our personhood. I believe we do so based on our surroundings and the words — and actions we receive from people. Childhood, I realize now, is a sponge, soaking every experience we face ; informing our very lives. I grew up believing I was ugly. I was never denied my quick wit or my sharp tongue, but the qualifier of beauty was never associated with me. Interestingly, I now remember the first boy to call me ugly. It was in primary school. We had just finished a verbal argument, of which I had won him soundly. His fragile feelings hurt, he turned to the only weapon in his arsenal. “You are very ugly.” Immediately the tide turned. He had won the argument, for he had pointed out my great sin because as a girl, the worst thing that you can be is ugly. Even I knew that at a young age. Having found out that being ugly a sin, I began to develop a defiance in my mind. “I may be ugly, but I’m smart”, I told myself in an effort to self-soothe. But the damage had been done. I had picked up a new piece to my personhood — ugly.

I have written about how, even with my adolescent and teenage crushes, I had received indifference at best and contempt at worst. I never knew the reasons these boys never liked me back, but in the deep recesses of my heart, I always chalked it back to my “ugliness”.  And so, in an effort of self-preservation, I began to think of myself as an npc in the arena of love and romance. An onlooker, but never an active participant. I began to see crushes as a belligerent thorn in my flesh. This was the identity I had built for myself. It was safe. It was insulated. It was isolated. After all, you can’t fail a game you don’t play.

We live in a society that prizes feminine beauty and charm above all else. The messaging “if you aren’t conventionally beautiful, you don’t deserve romantic love ” is ubiquitous, portrayed in all forms of media and acted out in real life for us to see. It is easy to regelate yourself to the corners when you realize you aren’t picked, but recently, I have been wondering if I have relegated myself to the corner much too quickly.

It’s not that I want a boyfriend necessarily, I have realized. It is that I think myself unworthy of one. I think myself unworthy of being liked romantically. And when I sit down to think about the reason why, except for the identity I have built around myself in a pathetic attempt of self-preservation, no reason comes to mind. This is what my Uncle meant. “Why not?!” Will I continue to feel bad because a child in Grade 3 called me ugly, or because my last situationship ended in a heaping pile of embarrassment? Is that reason enough?

are you really ugly?!

Are you really ugly or have you just not grown into your body yet? Are you really ugly or have you not explored your style? Are you really ugly or are you fixing your eyes on the revolving door of beauty standards on social media and in society? Are you really ugly or have you just internalized negative perceptions of yourself?

Are you really ugly?!

My Uncle’s questions have given me much thought. He is right, isn’t he, in his assertion that I have soaked up the negative and have allowed it to inform my life. I’ve realized it is time to deconstruct that identity and build one anew, one that if not influenced by society’s beauty standards, what boys have to say, or even how others treat me. I am realizing that I may never know others’ perception of me, whether positive or negative. But what I will always know is my perception of myself . It is my duty to guard that perception and ensure it  stays always, no matter what, a lofty one.

If you haven’t yet read boy sober part i, here it is:

P.S : I would really appreciate it if you liked this post and commented. It really does help with engagement. Thank you!

my favorite things this week:

• This essay by Emotional Support Lady. I loved it so much that I sent it to the girls’ group chat. We had a great conversation about womanhood and our bodies. Essential reading if you’re a woman:

  HOW SEEING OTHER WOMEN NAKED CHANGED MY LIFE

• I’m currently reading The Truth About Me by A. Revanthi. It’s an autobiography of a Hijra who fought ridicule, persecution and violence within and outside her home to find a life of dignity.

• This very interesting video essay called The Problem with Modern Love.

• The Olympics, which unfortunately end today. I will miss having it as background noise.

• I had the best pizza I’ve had in ages. Food makes me so happy. If I’m in a good mood it’s probably because I am anticipating good food or I have had good food.

  

  The restaurant is called Paradiso Pizza in the Senegambia axis (for those who live in Gambia).

  That’s it! See you guys next week,

love you all,

blessing.

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