#16: dear blessing & krystle,

the council of elders, at your service.

Welcome to “dear blessing & krystle,”  a new advice column by Krystle Gyau and Blessing Maraizu. Join us every month for much-needed wisdom on school, young adulthood, relationships, faith, deconstruction, dealing with parents, mental health, and many more from two girls who like to think themselves wise and measured — not all the time, of course! 

introducing: “dear blessing & krystle”, every fourth sunday.

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dear blessing & krystle,

How do I know what I want for myself? I’m not talking about clothes or shoes… I’m talking about my future and things that matter to me. People will say ask God. Yes, I know I should, but how do I know what I want for myself in the physical sense? I want to be certain of what I want my life to be and I want that to be my decision, not what others want of me.

Yours Truly,

Really Confused about Life.

dear really confused about life, 

krystle: 

This is such a big question that plagues all of us, especially in young adulthood. But in reality, this is a matter that affects people at any stage in life. That is to say, that if we allow ourselves, we might very well overthink and doubt every single decision we make in our lives. There is always an alternative, there is always a what-if. Having to make decisions for ourselves that are life-altering is maybe the scariest thing in the world. But we have to trust ourselves, if you have faith, trust God, and believe that whatever decision you make as a rational human being will lead you down the path you are supposed to go down. In truth this is all I can say. I face this conundrum every day, I still am not sure what the exact avenue I want for my life is, but I'll try and figure it out a little bit more every day/ and I hope you can too.

blessing:

 Chile! I really don’t know who lied to us about figuring life out. I think the real question is: who actually has the entirety of their life figured out? I would argue no one, or let me say, not many. I don’t think we are meant to have life figured out. I think that is why life is life. 

The truth is, you are the only one that can answer this question. You have your life in your hands. You need to sit down and think long and hard. You need to soul-search. What are the things that matter to you? How do you want your life to be? What kind of adult do you want to be? Where do you want to live and work, etc, etc.  Sit down, think about these things, write them down if you will. Pray about them if you have faith. The only solution to this conundrum is a very thorough soul-search. Don’t feel bad about not knowing what to do darling, half of us have no freaking idea what we are doing.  

Also, live life one day at a time. Small small. Where are you rushing to, love? 

 I believe that this is why God made time the way it is. There is day, and there is night. You are allowed to be slow and measured about your life, especially when it comes to big decisions.  Good luck and I hope you figure out who you are and what you want!

dear blessing & krystle,

When you look in the mirror are you happy with what you see?

 I struggle with being plus size and growing up, I always got shamed for my size. Now I find it hard to accept that a guy can like me because I don't know if he sees me for all the beauty I see in myself and how gorgeous my body is, or if he is taking the piss. I can't seem to accept love or the possibility of someone loving me, for some weird reason… It is funny because I love love and I'm not cynical when it comes to it but I self sabotage anything that looks like it will bring about intimacy. 

Yours Truly,

Plus Size Baddie

dear plus size baddie,

krystle :

 Hi, so I want to start by acknowledging how hard dealing with negative self-issues is especially in this age when we see certain types of bodies being upheld and it's not your own. This is something I relate to but on the other end of the spectrum. But I can understand that when you see yourself in a negative light and someone expresses interest in you, it's so easy to feel like someone is playing a cruel trick on you or to question how anyone could ever see YOU in that way. It's tricky because you say that you do in fact see the beauty within yourself, but I think because it's not what is widely accepted in society as the standard of beauty you also feel that nobody else would be able to appreciate you in that way. But that is not true at all. Beauty is such a subjective thing. And I've gone through so much learning and unlearning to get to a point where I can genuinely appreciate the beauty in everyone. What is ironic is that it's always the hardest when it comes to our own selves. I can see things that I hate on myself and admire them on other people, and I come to realize why is that I can't give this same level of appreciation to myself. As the saying goes, it is very important to love yourself before anyone else does –although I understand that sometimes that external validation can do so much for us. We must actively try everyday to appreciate ourselves and the vessels we came in.

At the end of the day we are so much more than just physical beings and although we must love who we are on the outside, we also have to try not to fixate on external validation. Your unique kind of beauty can never be appreciated by everyone and that is perfectly fine.

blessing: 

Heyyyyy. So, in answer to your first question, no. When I look into the mirror, I am not always happy with what stares back at me. We all have moments where we feel and look like absolute – pardon my French – shit. I am sorry that growing up, you were berated for your size. We unfortunately live in an incredibly fatphobic society. I’ve always been moderately sized but I remember how inappropriate people were about my sudden weight gain. I cannot imagine having to go through that for most of your conscious life.  I am sorry. Society has failed us as young women.

I can understand not believing a boy when he claims to like you. I read somewhere that people like us more than we think. We tend to be harsh, exacting masters to ourselves. Instead of instantly disbelieving that a boy could like you, I would advise that you take a more logical approach to the “situation”. I believe that you will know when someone likes you. It would be the most obvious thing in the world. Once you have doubts…maybe he is not the one then. Be very careful to separate real doubts from doubts that stem from fear and insecurity. 

One of the most radical things you can do is love yourself and the body you reside in. Before boys, men, the lot, I would advise you to work on loving yourself. Follow people online with the same body size as you. Read empowering literature. Surround yourself with affirming people. That way, your confidence and self-belief will blossom and once that happens, you will find that you are indeed worthy of love, desire and admiration.

dear blessing & krystle, 

I'm in uni and before I came I was scared about not having friends. Now I am here, and thankfully, I have been able to make some friends.  Here is where the problem lies. I am scared that they might make me lose myself .  I ask myself now, “did I ever really know my true self ?”  My fear is that I am not the person I thought I was. Navigating uni is scarier than I bargained. Can one lose oneself even when they do not know who they are? 

Also, how do I make the most of uni experiences because life is really short!

Yours Truly,

Missing Identity. 

dear missing identity: 

krystle: 

First I want to say it's amazing that you were able to make friends. That alone is a huge achievement for someone who thought they might have to pass through their uni days alone. However, if you feel that your friends might make you lose yourself I question the quality and depth of those relationships. Sometimes, out of desperation or necessity, we end up forging or artificially creating and holding onto connections that don't serve us. I believe it is far worse to be friends with people who encourage pretense within you than to discover who you are on your own. And of course, as humans and social beings, we all perpetually crave bonds with people. All the time. I understand this so deeply. But I've found that the people I've made the deepest bonds with were hidden like me. It may take time and a bit more digging and sifting. But you will find the people who you don't have to pretend with., People who will elevate you and everything that you are and encourage growth. That is true companionship. Now, on knowing yourself, this is such a hard one. But at the same time, I feel like it's something we place so much stress on ourselves on. We are young. And always learning and growing. I come to new revelations about myself every other day. And we need to learn to give ourselves grace. I also struggle with the question of whether I really know who I am. But to keep myself grounded I try to remember the things I know for sure about myself, my values and my principles. And remember that we must allow ourselves to be young and foolish and make mistakes. Don't make not achieving everything you want or not being where you envision yourself make you feel like a fraud in your own skin.

blessing:

University is a weird place, I agree. It can be hard to navigate. I am also glad you have been able to make friends, as going through university alone can be a horrible experience. Good for you. I hope that as the years in uni go by, you will find your own people. It can take time.

Do not put pressure on yourself because you haven’t “ found yourself”. You have everyday for that. The person you are today will most definitely not be the person you are tomorrow. And that is okay. In fact, it is wonderful. Just as I told “really confused about life”, live life one day at a time. Allow yourself to discover yourself. Does that make sense? Yeah, that’s my two cents.  

Thank you for reading dear blessing. Special thanks to my darling Krystle for agreeing to collaborate with me on today’s post. See you all next week! 💌