#39: self-love is a communal project.

the late great bell hooks said it best: “self-love cannot flourish in isolation”.

Lindsay Adams.

we’ve all heard and seen it — the glitzy ads that push mindfulness, meditation, self-care and self-love, the short ( but obviously highly produced) clips from podcasts hosted by pop-psychology gurus who give vapid advice on how to “love yourself”, and the endless apps that cater to our “presence of mind” and “self-love”.

if we go with the messaging instagram gurus push, self-love means indulging in your every whim , cutting off anyone who offends you (protect your peace, remember?) and believing you are the center of your universe. and oh, to properly do that, you have to subscribe to that mindfulness app that pings every day with affirmations, you have to lose weight (look good, feel good amirite?), and you have to read self-help books like The Secret by Rhoda Byrne. then, you can truly love yourself.

it seems that the term “self-love” has been co-opted by the self help and wellness movement, mostly for capitalistic purposes. like every feel good concept, self-love and self empowerment has been appropriated by modern capitalism, so much so that we instinctively ascribe the concepts with consumerist behavior.

i think the ubiquity of self-love as a empowering concept is parallel to the rise of hyper-individualism. people are lonely and sad, stuck with the idea that they can be self-sufficient. it’s suffocating. it’s insufficient. i think it is so because an individualistic approach to self-love leads to isolation and overindulgence. or worse, self-flagellation and narcissistic behavior.

i’ve been thinking a lot about what true self-love means. to me, self-love is a communal project. yes, self-love manifests in different contexts, and it is important to possess self-worth, self-respect, and self-compassion. but i think that the most important, the most life-changing manifestation of self-love is the communal. bell hooks said it best : “whether we learn how to love ourselves and others will depend on the presence of a loving environment. self love cannot flourish in isolation.”

i’m obsessed with the idea that self-love is a communal project. it relieves me, this idea that maybe self-love isn’t necessarily something we learn by ourselves, but rather something that we and our loved ones support each other in doing. the people that love me do so in a way I could never replicate solo. i think that is why i have a god-like reverence for friendship — it’s healing, refreshing and reminds you why life is worth living. it’s the best example of self-love as a communal project.

when i was at death’s doorstep, my friend emma showed up armed with food, a smile and her healing presence. her kindness, her compassion, her love, was one of the things that reminded me that life is worth living and that i am worth loving. i’ve written about my belief that my best friend, precious, saved my life. just yesterday, my friend seyi randomly recommended my essay to his twitter friends. someone read the essay, loved it and commented “this was so beautiful, she writes so well, thank you for sharing”, and his reply was “ thank you so much for reading. this comment will lift her spirit.” he knew how insecure i was about my essays and this substack and he did that. his confidence in me inspires me to be confident in myself. i could go on and on, detailing the many times my friends and family loved me most invigoratingly. i think we all have similar stories. doesn’t that tell us something?

when the going gets tough and we feel our soul get heavy, when our bodies can’t carry us through and our self-sufficiency wanes, maybe we should tell ourselves:

“i love myself because i can see others love me. and if others can love me, surely there’s something about me that is worth loving.”

after all, isn’t that what love truly is?

here’s another essay of mine with the same vibe (the vibe being i hate hyper-individualism) :

• having a routine. i love that i know how my week goes even before it starts.

• the i said what i said podcast episode on friendship. it inspired this post in a way.

• i got new clothes this week and i am so geeked. time to be vain again!

• food. food makes me so happy. i’m grateful that i get to eat. i love food.

• this dress:

i read a great deal this week so here are some of my favorite essays:

• Maalvika
  ’s exceptional essay on women’s speech patterns and the double standards of language norms:

can we, like, not comment on womens' speech patterns?

• ‘Do not Postpone Joy’ by

  Treasure Okure
  . I go back to read it ever so often, to remind myself that “life is like a mango, and you get the best of it when you eat everything—including the skin.”

  Do not postpone joy

• As someone who grew up lonely and quickly, I related heavily with

  riley-scarlett
  ’s essay growing up lonely:

growing up lonely

• Guys, seriously

  sarah cucchiara
  has one of the best newsletters on this app. I’m in awe of her. Read her, for the love of all things holy! Here’s her essay about pretentious reading habits and reading for one purpose only—joy:

  carrying around a copy of the bell jar doesn't make you look smarter

that’s all for now. see you next week!

your high-strung friend,

blessing.