#36: 4 Things I Learned in the Past Six Months.

a wannabe mid-year review.

Jul 21, 2024

It’s mid-July already. I can scarcely believe it. I now understand why the passage of time is and always will be a source of human fascination. It’s so cliche to say this because everyone says it; time flies. It’s inexplicably mind-boggling. We all have this thing we do at the beginning of the year, you know the one – we declare ourselves new people. Things are going to change this year, we tell ourselves. We draw up goals and make resolutions and we manifest. And then suddenly it is July and it seems like nothing has changed. Heavy on the word ‘seems’ though, because one thing will always be true: something has changed. Sometimes, the changes in our lives are so minute we do not notice or appreciate them. We are a dramatic species; we only remember seismic changes and eruptions akin to Vevivus, but never the tiny drops of change.

Reflection is incredibly important because it compels us to remember. And when we remember, we can appreciate what has been and we look forward to what could be (channeling my inner Kamala Harris here). Since it is the middle of the year, I decided to take a page out of my role models’ book and conduct a mid-year review of sorts. Here is a list of things I have learned in the past six months:

“Vanity on vanity.”

I never used to see myself as beautiful. I can’t trace what exactly happened, or where this stream of insecurity began, but it has always lingered over me, this declaration that I am not a beautiful girl. I always talk about this, but by the time I was ten, I was in a deeply religious boarding school. Like every religious fundamentalist institution, it was averse to beauty. The girls were mandated to cut their hair. The school believed that the time wasted in making our hair and fussing over our appearances could be used in studying. This rule applied to all girls, well, all black girls. They would cut our hair so low we were almost bald. And so I grew up almost bald and dumpy. Not a good place to start with self-esteem, is it? I have carried about my presumed ugliness, allowing it to inform my personhood.

Until this year. One day I woke up and realized that I love myself, thank you very much. I started to blink back at my reflection, to linger and watch as my cheeks pushed up; as my smile brightened my face. I started to not only take more and more pictures but also post them on Instagram. I started to enjoy dressing up. I started to like my hair and nails and teeth and the curves that shape my house of flesh. I even like my fupa now, the eccentrities of a growing, human body. I started to smile back knowingly when someone said I looked good, soaking in their compliments like a sponge. I believed them. Yes, I look good. I now look to the future with excitement. If this is how I look at nineteen, how will I look by the time my second puberty sweeps around? How will I look by the time I have figured out my style and by the time confidence has informed my gait? I shall be unstoppable. I am unstoppable.

My friend Seyi is a menace. He’s annoying, endearing, and incredibly articulate. He was the one who started calling me vain (complimentary) and now the qualifier has stuck in my head. I’m vain, I’m vain, I’m vain. Each time I hesitate to post on Instagram, I chide myself in his voice “ Girl, you’re vain! Post that picture.” I go ahead and post because self-love and self-belief can manifest in different forms.

I am a vain woman. And why shouldn’t I be? My vanity comes not only from my outward appearance but from my staunch self-belief that I am that girl. It’s okay if you don’t think so. I do (well, most of the time). It is what I think of myself that matters. Our society tells us what we can be and what we cannot be, pushing and prodding us at every turn. Beauty standards last a split second these days. There is always a new aesthetic over the horizon. Now, more than ever, it is important that we love ourselves, and that we cultivate a healthy relationship with the body that we live in. Your first fan should always be you. I am glad I finally learned this.

I am a vain woman, and you should be too.

some of my favorite pictures of the year so far... i think i am stunning!

“ Imagine what could be, unburdened by what has been.”

Another important thing I have learned this year: the past is firmly the past. There is no recreating the past. It’s gone. It is alarming to consider, but it is true. I have spent many a time wondering and lingering in the distant past. It has brought me nothing. I wrote about it last week ( I know, last week’s letter was maddeningly short and so obvious it was unfinished), but the idea remains. Nostalgia is unhealthy. BJ Novak said it best: “Nostalgia is memory minus anxiety.” It is an awful form of self-manipulation that does no good at all. Longing for the past is deceptive and ultimately useless. Overall, it is quite useless to dwell on things you have no power to change.

Kamala Harris has been going viral for her coconut tree philosophy. A compilation of her sayings surfaced on the internet and I shared it humorously with my girlfriends in the group chat. In the clip, she was saying “Imagine what could be, unburdened by what has been.” over and over again and on different occasions. It sounds like a bad poem and like a whole load of nonsense but are we listening to what she’s saying? After a great many listens, I came to a startling conclusion. I think she’s being very profound. To me, she’s reminding us to look forward to the future, to live in the present, unburdened by whatever has happened in the past, good or bad. A damn good message from Madam Coconut President, if you ask me.

Live purposefully in the present, look to the future with anticipation and imagination, and leave the past firmly behind, where it belongs. What a way to live!

“Are you having fun?!”

I’ve come to adopt a pseudo-hedonistic philosophy these past few months. Here is the CliffNotes version of what I am about to say: Life is too short — and quite frankly, too hard for me (and you) to not maintain a tenacious hold of joy when we can. Things are hard. The world is crashing down around us. The few moments of joy, the tiny rays of sunlight that stream through the small window in the dark cell called life, are to be enjoyed with great relish.

In having fun, I have also decided to banish the burden of self-consciousness from my mind. I regret all the times I have stopped myself from having fun because I am embarrassed or because I don’t want to come across as ‘cringe’. The only important question is, “ Am I having fun?!” It may come off as a silly question, but it is an important one to ask.

Take the rare moments of joy in life head-on and relish languorously in them. Have fun. Engage in ad hoc, nonroutine activities that bring you the utmost pleasure. That’s my new motto.

“Your friends are the great loves of your life.”

I am in awe of the concept of friendship. I think we underestimate its power over our lives. We underestimate its importance. I am no perfect friend — or person (none of us are) — and it is wonderful that despite our flaws people choose to love and understand us. I think we need to hold that in high regard. I have always known this, but as I get older it becomes clearer: my friends are the great loves of my life.

I recently saw a post by Shelly Gigilio that articulated friendship beautifully. I want to build my life around these words:

“Friendship isn't easy. To be included, you have to be vulnerable and take a risk. People can make space for you but you have to accept the invitation and show up with your heart ready to embrace the moment and the people. If you can't do that, there's a chance that people may never be good enough for you and you'll move from group to group your whole life, never really being or having true friends. Embrace the hard. Do the work to let your walls down in a safe environment with good people Be yourself. Let yourself be loved. Friendship isn't easy but with effort and commitment, you'll find that it's worth it!”

Whew! I couldn’t have said it better. I carry this message engraved in my heart. To know that as the going gets though there is a group of people you could come back to is magical. It’s a privilege to have friends and to be friends. I want to never forget that.

PS: I am so sorry for the unfinished, harried essay that was last week’s essay. I was very anxious (given the success of the previous posts) and ended up making a mess of things. I hope you enjoyed this week’s piece. I certainly enjoyed writing it. Here are my weekly favorites as usual:

Dimma Umeh’s civil wedding. I think Dimma is the most beautiful woman in Nigeria. There’s more I could say, but will time permit me? Have a look for yourself:

dimmaumeh